


Halcyon

by aishjinjaa



Category: WAYV
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Foreshadowing, Found Family, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mention of Panic Attacks, Mutual Pining, XiaoDeryWeek2020, idiots to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24456997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aishjinjaa/pseuds/aishjinjaa
Summary: (adj.) a period of time in the past that was idyllically happy and peaceful
Relationships: Wong Kun Hang | Hendery/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun
Comments: 16
Kudos: 81





	1. Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a prequel to my first Xiaodery _Heaven_ , although reading that first isn’t necessarily required but this story is deeply threaded with that one so it’s an added advantage if you’ve read that one. 
> 
> A part of their ‘past’ is narrated in Heaven but understand that it was a dream/memory for Xiaojun so it was not _completely_ accurate. The actual story of their past is within Halcyon. 
> 
> That’s all! ❤️  
> Please do enjoy this! 🌸

Wisps of sunlight partially obscured by the tree outside float into the room and reflected on Xiao Dejun’s face and hair and Guanheng couldn’t stop looking. He knew he should be paying attention to their revolutionary history but it’s been taught since the beginning of time, and he’d really just rather draw. He flipped one of his worksheets and started scribbling on the blank back page.

Dejun was looking absently out the window, giving him the perfect profile to work with from behind his classmate. He wasn’t paying attention, either, Guanheng figured as the other just continued staring blankly at the distance throughout the lecture. He had a hand tucked under his chin with a pen between two fingers, his eyes too far away to notice that the classmate sitting behind him was staring and sketching him. Nothing creepy, though, it’s just a good image to draw. He doesn’t even know Xiao Dejun that well, he’s very new and very quiet. The boy arrived around two weeks ago, no one knew him as his entire family just moved into their town barely a month ago. He had a brother who also transferred recently but seemed to be much more outgoing than he was. He didn’t seem like a bad dude, though. Just shy. Guanheng accidentally bumped into him while rough-housing with Xuxi the other day and he didn’t get annoyed, just smiled very subtly when he apologized. 

Shadows of leaves reflected against the front of his face and Guanheng thought those were the hardest to perfect. He got the curves of his hair, the sharpness of his jawline, and the slope of his features quite quickly especially since he’s quite used to drawing side-profiles but he wanted to get the shadows perfectly. He wished he had his coloring materials but he left them back in his locker, and for good reason, but it would have been nicer to capture how the sun is hitting Xiao Dejun’s face right when he could see them and make necessary changes rather than later when he wouldn’t probably have a perfect memory of how it looks like. He tried his best to commit it to memory, though, he’d make sure to run to his locker after this class.

He didn’t have to wait long, apparently when he had to startle back when Xiao Dejun jerked in his seat when their teacher dismissed their class and they _both_ weren’t paying attention. He shoved his drawing into the small storage space right below the surface of his desk and turned to Xuxi. “If Mr. Yu’s here and I’m not back, tell him I had to shit. I need to get something from my locker.” He hit him on the shoulder, more forcefully than he intended, but he didn’t have time to see Xuxi’s reaction as he had already run off. 

By the time he got back, Mr. Yu still wasn’t in yet and their class was a whole mess. People running around and bumping into each other, screaming, fighting, rambunctious laughter—it wouldn’t be long before one of the teachers from either side of the classroom would come in and shut them up. That wasn’t Guanheng’s problem, though. What he was most worried about was Huang Xuxi, cross-legged on _his_ seat, staring at his drawing. “Hey!” He rushed over, snatching the paper even before Xuxi could say anything. “What are you doing? Get outta here.”

But Xuxi didn’t move. Instead, he just side-eyed the ever oblivious Xiao Dejun then back to him before raising his eyebrows suggestively. “No!” Guanheng denied even before fully air-out his thoughts. “I’ll explain later. _Go away,”_ he pulled him by the shoulders when he was unwilling, causing his desk to bump the back of Xiao Dejun’s desk. 

“Oh, shit,” he cursed and his classmate turned a little to look at what disturbed his day-dreaming. “I’m sorry. Did we hurt you?” Some shimmer of the early morning sunlight was still reflecting on his hair and he just wanted to sit back down and get back to drawing. The quiet boy smiled kindly and shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. Just surprised, that’s all.” His voice was gentle and reassuring, a total contrast to the chaos all around them. He turned back to looking out the window and Guanheng took that chance to finally pull Xuxi out from his seat. 

-

One of the very few times Guanheng saw him interact with other people was when he played football. He didn’t know if he was required to play it or if he genuinely liked it, but he was good at it either way. He wasn’t playing with their classmates but with some underclassmen so it was still kind of weird like he was watching a complete stranger. 

“Hey!” Xuxi snapped a finger in front of his eyes to retake his attention. “This little crush is distracting you too much.” He teased. Guanheng scoffed, his attention to Xiao Dejun was the furthest thing away from being a crush. He a completely different ulterior motive. “What about that thing the other day, huh?”

“What thing the other day?” One of their friends, Yangyang arrived and dropped his bag carelessly on the ground and knelt on the grass beside them. He probably just finished class. 

Guanheng was about to explain but Xuxi beat him to it. “I caught Guanheng sketching Xiao Dejun. Like, it was very pretty. _Made with love.”_ Xuxi teased again, but this time, he managed to grab Yangyang’s bag and hit him square in the face with it. 

“Violence!” Xuxi laughed through the pain. Yangyang probably had around four electronic devices in there and he just hit Xuxi with it. “Can we steer away from violence?”

“Maybe if you just shut your trap.”

“Okay, I’m gonna have to see this drawing. Let me decide which side to take.” Yangyang sat up straight and opened his palm. He was _always_ on the side of the tormentor so he didn’t have a lot of hopes but he gave him the drawing anyway. 

“It isn’t finished yet, but I think I got most of the shadows right… I think.” Yangyang studied the picture quietly and seriously for a while which was sort of uncharacteristic for him 

“He did the entire coloring thing during Yu’s class, stared at him and shit.” Xuxi murmured, leaning into Yangyang. 

“I was _bored,_ and that was just right in front of me, what was I supposed to do? Commit that thing to memory and not immortalize it?”

“So you wanted this,” Yangyang raised the picture and made it face him while Xuxi dramatically narrated. “Beautiful image of Xiao Dejun immortalized so you’ll never forget it ever?” Yangyang had a shit-eating grin on his face that meant he had decided and he decided to torment Guanheng. 

Guanheng immediately reached for the paper and frantically looked around if anyone had seen it. “That’s private!” He hissed before sliding it carefully back into his clear book of drawings. “That _image_ was nice so I thought I’d draw it.” He clarified again. 

“Oh, that drawing was too pretty. It was definitely made of love.” 

Guanheng sighed in defeat, knowing his friends will keep teasing him and none of his explanations would make them stop. “Shadows… on face…” he tried to plead one last time before he was distracted with Xiao Dejun right where they were hanging out. He was suddenly so thankful he put the drawing back in his bag. Now he realized that it is really difficult to explain his sketch. But to himself, he really knew that it was just because it was a very inspiring image draw. 

Three upperclassmen ran after Dejun and pulled, and the boy immediately flinched, faking kind smiles—it wasn’t his usual, genuine ones. “Hey, come with us, play with us.”

“Oh, I’m tired.” They’ve stopped near them and Guanheng is hearing their every word. “I was just playing, sorry.” The discomfort was clear on the boy’s face especially since he had around six hands on his body at that moment—completely unnecessarily touching. 

“Our boss wants to see your pretty face.” Xuxi’s jaw tightened—these upperclassmen had a weird, backward group thing and they recruited him back when they were freshmen because he was “useful in fights”. He said they weren’t much, just a bunch of weak assholes who relied on their group for the least bit of notoriety and were especially terrified of Xuxi. They constantly harassed students, especially new ones, but Xiao Dejun seemed to have attracted a certain type of fancy from the head asshole. He _was_ very pretty. But also currently very uncomfortable. 

Guanheng didn’t know what came over him but he was up in no time, making big strides towards the four and squeezing himself in between, facing Xiao Dejun head-on for the first time in his life. He literally had _never_ seen him this up close before in his life. “Dejun!” He smiled widely and kept eye contact while he removed the hands-on his terrified classmate one by one. “Did you listen to Yu’s class today? I wasn’t, so I was wondering if you’d teach me about that thing?”

Now all the hands were off him, there was an urgency behind his eyes. “Yeah! Sure!”

“Hey,” one of them pulled Guanheng back quite forcefully which made him stumble back a little but he didn’t back down. “We were talking to him.”

“I thought you were done. He already said no.” One of the assholes was reaching out for Dejun’s wrist but he got there first, clasping the bony wrist in his hand. “I left my notebook by the lockers, though. Should we get them together?” He smiled again. 

“Hey! We were talking to him!”

“And I said, _you’re done,”_ Sensing the tension, he saw Xuxi stand out of the corner of his eyes. “Right, Xuxi?” With the way the three startled, it was obvious they didn’t realize he was nearby. The three looked at each other, looking unsure. “Let’s go!” He tugged Xiao Dejun’s wrist very lightly and he voluntarily moved towards him as consent before he started walking off with him. 

As soon as they were well away from earshot, Guanheng spoke up. “Do you need help getting your things?”

Xiao Dejun looked back, prompting Guanheng to do the same. “They’re gone.” He murmured. 

Guanheng promptly let his arm go and tried to keep it by his side, but he didn’t exactly know what to do with it so he just let them grab the cloth of his uniform slacks. “Do you need help with your things? I can walk you home if you don’t feel safe.” Guanheng isn’t usually like this, he keeps to himself and only sticks to Xuxi and Yangyang, he would speak when spoken to and would sometimes initiate conversations with people he’s known for years. But not like this. Not intervening in a potentially problematic situation and offering to walk people home. Maybe it’s just his painter-muse/protector-protectee dynamic that’s making him act out of normal. 

“That’s not necessary,” Xiao Dejun smiled. “My brother is probably waiting for me anyway.”

“Well then,” he shrugged. “Take care.”

He watched Xiao Dejun walking away before thinking about his most recent actions. It was weird, _he_ was weird and was about to have to explain to Xuxi and Yangyang. They were looking at him with intense judgment and he could see it from far away while he walked back. “ _Dude._ ” Xuxi said as soon as he sat back. 

“Don’t call me dude.”

“Do you have a crush on him? Be honest. I’m not teasing this time, I’m seriously asking.”

“I told you, I don’t. He sits in front of me in class, he seems lonely sometimes, he doesn’t talk to anyone, I just thought maybe he needs someone sometimes. And don’t pretend like you wouldn’t have stepped in yourself, eventually.” 

Xuxi suppressed a smile but stopped himself from saying anything. “Whatever you say.”

-

Xuxi never let it go after that. Even though he never said anything about it, he could feel the teasing stares whenever Xiao Dejun was within their vicinity, which meant he always gave Guanheng the teasing looks all the time during class. He almost broke his no verbal teasing rule when they spotted Xiao Dejun started walking towards them while they were quietly jamming so songs by their usual spot under the tree near the field. His hair was swaying along with the cold autumn wind while he clutched something round between his hands, cradling it very gently. Guanheng thought he was just passing by but he kept going in their direction.

“He’s coming here, oh my god, oh my god.”

“Calm the fuck down. Wait, do _you_ like him?”

“I can’t even support you without being accused?”

Their little banter cut off time in waiting for Xiao Dejun and by the time they’d stopped hitting each other, he was already standing in front of them. He held out the soft white thing he’d been holding so gently which turned out to be a meat bun. “Thank you for the other day.” He smiled softly at Guanheng before turning to Xuxi and Yangyang. “I’m sorry I only got one, I thought he was going to be alone. If I had known I would have bought some for you too.”

Xuxi was positively beaming. “You can do it next time. Come, sit with us.” Xuxi offered, patting the vacant space beside Guanheng. He looked hesitant but it was obvious that the offer excited him. “We were just singing some songs and talking, nothing serious.”

He didn’t talk a lot, but by the way he was reacting to things, it was apparent that he wasn’t the complete silent type but could actually be more talkative if he wanted to be. He was expectedly attentive, though, he looked at every single person who talked and nodded along with what they were saying. He had a beautiful voice, too, that was a wonderful surprise for all three. They’ve always had nice voices but Dejun’s was different. It was more controlled, more practiced. He tried to be quieter when he sang along with them but Guanheng could hear him clearly and made sure to point that out to the others. 

They all walked out of the school together knowing Dejun is probably going to be invited to hang out with them again. They liked him, he noticed. Guanheng liked him, too. He wasn’t as shy as he initially thought, apparently he really just didn’t have friends yet. He went home that day constantly reminding himself to hide his drawing deep in his drawers because if Xiao Dejun was going to be his friend, he absolutely cannot find out about the drawing.

-

It was not difficult to integrate Dejun into their group especially because Xuxi is too friendly and approachable to refuse. Come to think of it, his persistence and optimism were how he adopted Guanheng and Yangyang in the first place. Dejun had pretty fun stories of his own and he wasn’t completely shy and avoidant when given the chance to speak. Guanheng wasn’t either, but he wondered why amongst the combinations, it seemed like it was him and Dejun who weren’t clicking the most. 

“It’s because you know you have a sketch of him to prove your painful crush on him and it’s making you awkward,” Xuxi said when he pointed it out. 

“Not every artist is in love with their model, Xuxi, you watch too many movies.”

“Who said anything about love? I was just insinuating you have a crush. Unless…” he raised his brows, both in surprise and suggestion. 

“ _No!_ ” He kicked Xuxi’s chair just in time for Dejun to walk into their classroom, already amused by the interaction he witnessed the moment he arrived. 

“Shoosh!” He beamed at Xuxi, all-teeth smiles at the nickname that Xuxi himself suggested. He slumped on his seat and sat sideways just like Guanheng was. He turned to him and smiled a little. “Good morning.”

“Good morning, Dejun.” He smiled back in an attempt to make himself seem approachable. 

“Dejun, do you want to come over to mine and Guanheng’s place tonight?” Guanheng raised his brows in surprise—it’s not that he was against it, he was just surprised. Xuxi just hadn’t talked to him about it. 

“Wait, you two share a place?”

“Yeah, I wanted to live independently early to practice my skills for uni, and Guanheng’s place is too inconvenient for him. So we share.” That was a very nice and evasive way of explaining Guanheng’s predicament without lying. “We can watch a movie. We have popcorn.”

“Well, you do make some very convincing points,” Dejun smiled. “I’ll ask my mom. If she says yes, then sure, why not. She doesn’t really mind much so.” He shrugged. 

“Nice!”

—

Dejun had eventually become a more regular part of their daily lives. From hanging out under the usual tree by the football, watching movies and eating unhealthy amounts of noodles in their shared apartment, and even the rare study weekends at the cafe near their apartment. Dejun’s father was always away from work while his mother preferred having the house to herself so she let Dejun come with them whenever he can. At that exact moment, Xiaojun was sitting on their couch, watching an underrated animated film with Xuxi lying flat on the floor by his feet while Guanheng watched them from the kitchen counter. Dejun had a bowl of popcorn on his lap and he fed Xuxi through dropping kernels to his open mouth. It was a weird sight but it was also cute. He’d never seen Xuxi bond that well with anyone else other than him—he wasn’t jealous, he liked it. It’s like his little family had become bigger. 

Dejun turned to look at him. “Xuxi is asking for water,” he smiled sheepishly. 

“Doesn’t he have hands?” He complained but turned to get a bottle anyway. He dropped a bottle of water on Xuxi’s stomach, earning a grunt from him and a giggle from Dejun. Guanheng turned to him, smiling at the pleasant sound before sitting beside him. “What is so good about these terrible movies?”

“Not a lot of people have watched them,” he answered simply, handing him the bowl of popcorn. “So it becomes something only we share. Like an exclusive club of people who’ve seen terrible movies.” He beamed, satisfied with his explanation. 

“I don’t understand it but okay,” Guanheng smiled at him. “If you enjoy it then it’s fun.”

They smiled at each other—one of the few moments that they actually interacted with each other because, for some reason, they acted quite awkwardly around each other. It was always one of them and Xuxi or sometimes even lower year Yangyang who had a different schedule, but never just the two of them. 

“Someone please feed me,” Xuxi groaned from the floor. “My jaw is about to cramp.”

Guanheng rolled his eyes much to Dejun’s mirth before dropping a whole fistful of popcorn onto Xuxi’s face.

-

They were supposed to meet at a coffee shop to study but Xuxi was running late so it was just him, papers strewn all over the table—perfectly mirroring the mess in his brain. He does _not_ remember this part of the class at all. What was he doing then? He could vaguely recollect the terms so they must have really breezed through this. He does doze off occasionally but not long enough to miss entire lessons. 

_Ah, the Dejun drawing class._

It seemed weird how long ago that seemed when it’s just been three months since they’ve befriended him. Since then Dejun has become even more of a permanent fixture in their daily lives especially since he shared their classes. It became less awkward between the two of them as they got more opportunities to talk.

They were fairly similar, although Dejun was a lot more emotional and expressive and Guanheng had a more out of this world humor. 

The sound of heavy rain outside distracted him from his own thoughts, following by the sound of the chimes as Dejun rushed into the cafe, wet from the rain. He wasn’t completely soaked but he was wet enough to trigger shivering. He was still all smiles, two front teeth poking out adorably as he apologized. “I got held up.” He explained. “Where’s Xuxi?”

“Dunno,” Guanheng shrugged, distracted by how cold the other must be. He reached for his handkerchief deep inside his bag and opened it flat. “Come here,” he reached across the table where Dejun sat and tugged on his sleeve to make him sit nearer. The other boy was obviously confused but he moved to the nearest seat anyway. He used his handkerchief to wipe some of the stray droplets off his face before putting it on top of his head, before running it back and forth in an attempt to dry. “You might get a cold.” He mumbled. 

He didn’t know what came over him at that moment, all he could think of was how uncomfortable he must have been. “Did your bag get wet?”

Dejun shook his head. 

“Take the handkerchief and dry your hair,” he ordered gently before removing his own denim jacket. “And take this,” he offered it to the shivering boy. “It must be cold.”

“It is,” Dejun smiled and took the jacket gratefully. “Thank you.”

“I’m gonna get you something hot. Chocolate, coffee, or tea?”

Dejun suppressed a giggle, earning a confused look from Guanheng. “It’s nothing,” he denied but his lips were still turned up. “I just had this weird moment of association and I thought you were gonna do the coffee, tea, or me, thing.” 

Relief flooded in Guanheng’s chest—for a while there, he thought Dejun was making fun of him. Even though they’ve become more comfortable than before, it was still apparent that he knew Dejun less than Xuxi did. He wanted to be on par, if not surpass his best friend but he didn’t know where to start. 

“I don’t drink caffeine, so, hot chocolate, please.” He does this thing where even his littlest smiles reach his eyes, and it’s absolutely genuine and warm and pleasant that Guanheng likes so much. 

By the time he was back at their table, Dejun had hunched over his books and notes that he’d left open. “Oh my, did you understand this? Can you teach me this?” He pointed at the notes he’d been agonizing over. 

He carefully handed the mug of hot chocolate before frowning. “I have no idea what happened here,” he groaned. “I wasn’t paying attention when this was discussed, honestly.”

Dejun snorted. “Same. I can still remember this day, it was really special.” A sudden rush came through Guanheng, his heartbeat picked and he was borderline panicking. _Did he notice him? Did he know that he was practically ogling him that entire class?_ “I wasn’t paying attention because I was watching two squirrels fight.”

His entire sketch—the magnificent slope of Dejun’s neck, the angle of his jaw, the sparkle in his eyes—all because of fighting squirrels. Guanheng couldn’t help but laugh. “It’s really funny! They fight all the time! At that same tree! I’m gonna point it out to you the next time it happens.”

“Please do.”

Studying—as well as Xuxi—had been completely forgotten. Guanheng even closed his books and somewhere late in the afternoon, he put them back into his bag. They ate there, ordered pasta and flavored sodas, ate their cookies, well up into pasta again for dinner while the rain just kept pouring outside. They just kept talking, about the school, about Dejun’s family and how they all pretty much had individual lives. His father was a traveling entertainer, his brother lived with their aunt in an apartment near the school, Dejun spent the entire day at school, so his mother started preferring having the house to herself that she practically shoos him away especially during weekends. “When you and Xuxi hadn’t come into my life, I’d come here and read all day.”

Guanheng frowned. Dejun was smiling but he couldn’t help but feel sad thinking about Dejun sitting here, friendless and alone. They should have adopted him sooner. “You will never be alone next time.” He murmured quietly. “The next time you wanna leave your house, come here and invite me, or you can just go straight to our apartment you’re always welcome to hang out with us. You’re part of the family now.”

The smile that bloomed on Dejun’s face fell in time with the bloom in Guanheng’s chest. It was genuine gratefulness—and it made him feel so good. His smile eventually turned sheepish. “I have to tell you, though, Xuxi already invited me to the family.” Guanheng snorted. _Of course, he did._ He’d actually be more surprised if Xuxi hadn’t done that. “But hearing it from you… it feels more special. Complete.”

They talked even more after that. About school. Dejun’s old school. The squirrels. “How about you, Guanheng? Where do your parents work?” There they are, the questions he expected but was still hesitant to answer. But he convinced himself. It’s Dejun. It’s fine. He’s part of the family now. “I don’t have them,” he answered quietly. “Parents, I mean.”

Dejun was dumbfounded for a while, as expected, but he recovered quickly. “Who’s taking care of you, then?” He asked in the gentlest voice possible. Even the way he worded his question was kind. 

“Me.” He shrugged. “I was in an orphanage since birth but didn’t get adopted. At thirteen they put me in this sponsor system where they look for people who want to boost their social standing through sponsoring orphaned children. I got paired with a nice, old, Finnish couple who vowed to take care of everything until I finish college. They even give me generous allowances and stuff. It’s better than you imagine, don’t worry.” He assured Dejun who’s frown got deeper while he talked. 

“But who’s taking care of you?” He emphasized it further, telling him he wasn’t asking about who’s supporting him financially. “Who’s there when you’re sad? When you’re sick? Who scratches your back when it itches?”

“Xuxi. Most of the time.”

“When he isn’t there?”

“Just me.” He didn’t know how lonely it sounded until he voiced it out. Dejun was quiet for a while before reaching for his hand. “If it’s okay with you… I wanna be there for you.”

_Like family. A real one. It is—real._

—

They had to leave when they realized it was getting too late and the rain had stopped completely. The roads were empty and quiet and they were walking comfortably on the road, not fearing speeding cars. “How are you gonna go home?” Guanheng asked. 

“In a taxi, I guess.” Dejun sounded hesitant but he still tried to look around. 

“Why don’t you sleep over our place? We have an extra mattress.” Dejun looked surprised by the suggestion. He’d been over a lot and he’d even stayed quite late, but he’s never been invited over for the night. “You can borrow my clothes, I think we’re the same size.”

“I—,” he was still hesitating so Guanheng decided to back away. 

“But if you don’t want to that’s fine! We can keep walking until a taxi comes by.”

“No it’s not that,” he reached over to his sleeve and tugged it. “It’s just that, I don’t have extra underwear.”

“Oh, I have extra.” Guanheng offered without any thought, not noticing how weird it sounded until Dejun froze. “I meant unused ones!” He clarified, laughing at his own lapse. “Xuxi gave them to me last Christmas and I never opened them.”

“Oh! Well, sure! Let me just call my mom.”

It wasn’t difficult to ask his mom, she said yes right away. She just had to give her their full names and their address and she hung up. They had to enter quietly, though, Xuxi could be asleep already. 

When they came into the apartment, it was dark and quiet—too quiet. “Wait, isn’t Xuxi here?” He turned the lights on and the room had been exactly the way he left it. He checked his phone for the first time in hours and found that Xuxi had actually texted him. 

_Got too caught up in the rain so I’m going straight home. Parents’ home, not the apartment. Dad wants me home for my brother’s birthday anyway, he’s picking me up. Sorry, I can’t come with you and Dejun. See you at school on Monday._

He quickly typed in a “got home safe?” before facing Dejun again. “He’s not here, he’s at his parents.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” He shrugged nonchalantly—they just got way past the awkward stage he didn’t want to go back to square one. “You can sleep on his bed, then, at least he has a bed. I just have a mattress on the floor.”

“Can’t I just use the spare mattress? I don’t want to sleep in his room without him there.”

“You’re right,” Guanheng smiled. “But I don’t want to leave you out here in the living room. The mosquitoes will kill you. You’ll have to stay with me in my room.”

“Sounds nice.” 

They got ready for bed, Dejun borrowing a white shirt, gray shorts, and of course, the unopened box of underwear. “You can use the laundry for your clothes so you’ll have something to wear tomorrow.” He instructed right after he came out of the bathroom and Dejun already was lying on the mattress on the floor, right next to Guanheng’s. 

When they finally settled on their individual mattresses, Guanheng turned the lights off, turned a soft lamp on, and laid down only to scroll on social media. Dejun cleared his throat, prompting him to put his phone down. “How long have you been living here?”

“Xuxi got this apartment from his parents last year, they have no idea I live here, too. They just pay everything without wondering why Xuxi needed two air conditioners. They’re rich like that. I just help out with food and other maintenance stuff since Xuxi’s parents take care of everything anyway.”

“Why did they get him an apartment?”

“Xuxi wanted to come here, he didn’t want to be in the same school as his brother. Their parents compare them a lot—they’re supposed to be harmless but Xuxi takes them to heart. So he wanted to be in a different school, even if it meant he lived in a different city. At least, here, he can shine alone and not share a spotlight with his brother.”

“That makes sense.”

“How about the orphanage? They just let you move?”

“To be honest, they were glad to have one less mouth to feed and one less body to clothe. They’re already stretched with the other kids. I have a comfortable apartment I don’t have to pay for, I have a sponsor who pays for everything, they didn’t mind.”

Dejun rolled to his side, facing him. “Doesn’t it get lonely? Around the holidays for example.”

“It does,” he answered honestly. “But I’m used to it. Besides, when I finish college and get a job, I’m gonna be with someone, maybe build a family of my own—then I’ll never be alone again.”

Dejun sighed. Probably pitying him and his entire unstable life. “For now, there’s Xuxi and me, and Yangyang, too.”

“I’m happy.” He answered, and for once, he meant it. 

They both stayed up until four in the morning just talking and joking around, and after that, nothing was ever the same again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this first part is boring—I wanted to bring it to you, though—the story of how life was when Guanheng was still alive. I know many of you who’ve read Heaven wished they could have interacted more, so here it is: the story of how they fell in love with each other. ❤️ I hope you’ll enjoy it!
> 
> This will probably be around the same length as Heaven so this might only be two chapters but I'm not to sure yet.
> 
> What did you think of this so far! You can comment or you can tell me on my Twitter [ @choisoftcheol ](https://twitter.com/choisoftcheol)


	2. Part Two

When Xuxi came to class by the next Monday—everything had been different. The last time he saw two, they were awkwardly waving goodbye at each other and now they were not even close to being awkward. They were both on their phones—not even talking—Guanheng was on his seat, but Dejun was sitting on his table, right arm casually resting on top of Guanheng’s head that was resting on his thigh. Something had happened within his two days of absence and he had no idea what it was.

They both looked up and casually separated when Xuxi came up to them and said good morning. “How was your brother’s birthday?”

“Ugh,” he grimaces before shrugging it off. “Don’t wanna talk about that. Let’s talk about you two. What happened during the weekend? Did I get replaced?”

“Probably,” Guanheng joked. After staying up until four in the morning with Dejun, he woke up five hours later with Dejun actually _off_ the mattress and still in a deep sleep. He was entangled with his own blanket and managed to drag Guanheng’s blanket along. He made them breakfast but Dejun didn’t get up until half past eleven and the eggs became lunch. They watched trashy animation and played board games and kept on talking the entire time, it was amazing how they didn’t run out of things to talk about. 

“I stayed over two nights,” Dejun shared. 

“Two nights?”

“Yeah, I was supposed to go home by Saturday but we kept on talking til late again so I got home Sunday afternoon.” On the second night they hung out by the balcony and drank juice pouches while it rained again. They talked about their favorite movies and while Guanheng went into a tangent about the power of In The Mood for Love and his attachment to Dead Poet’s Society, Dejun shyly explained his love for the Harry Potter movies. It was endearing how he obviously felt like his choice was, at some levels, inferior to Guanheng’s but stuck by it anyway. And Guanheng had no judgments—art affects people in different ways and what we were before and after we were exposed to them plays a huge part, too. 

Their tastes in music were similar, however, and they sometimes just sat in silence while music filled the air. Their new found comfort significantly reduced the distance between them—quite literally—as they sat closer together while the night grew quieter. On Saturday night, they sat huddled together on Guanheng’s mattress under a comforter while they talked about childhood memories of chasing after fireflies at dusk, right before darkness takes over completely, when the world was dark blue and cold. They told each other of their dreams—visions of the future that were actually very similar. A quiet suburban house surrounded by trees with lots of natural sunlight and cool air, and visions of drinking something hot while looking out the window. The only thing they disagreed on was the pet. Dejun wanted a dog. Guanheng wanted a cat.

“Your mom didn’t mind?” Xuxi asked.

“She never does,” he shrugged, ruffling Guanheng’s hair before going back to his own seat.

“You should sleep over again, then,” Xuxi offered. “I wanna join this time.”

Guanheng smiled fondly. Xuxi hates getting left behind. “You didn’t miss anything crucial,” he assured his best friend. “We just talked about fireflies.” Dejun smiled softly before nodding along. “I have board games I can bring next time.” Upon hearing _board games,_ Xuxi beamed and looked satisfied.

Guanheng leaned across his table and inched his lips closer to Dejun’s ear. “Bring your own clothes next time.”

-

They weren’t able to celebrate Dejun’s birthday together because his dad was home and wanted to spend the entire weekend with the entire family before he disappears for work again. Guanheng and Xuxi made sure to get him gifts, though. The moment Xuxi lugged the huge (and obviously expensive) keyboard into view, Guanheng almost wanted to pretend he didn’t get him anything. But he encouraged himself not to feel shy, he knew Xuxi, he wasn’t flexing his wealth or anything, it’s just when he gives gifts, he goes _all out,_ and he also happened to be rich and could afford expensive shit. “Get used to it,” Guanheng assured the visibly stunned Dejun. “He once paid for my year’s tuition as a Christmas Gift. When my tuition arrived from my sponsor he told me to save it for myself. He’s like that. And he won’t let you reject that.”

“No, I won’t,” Xuxi mumbled as he set the whole thing upright. 

He didn’t give his own gift until later that night, when they were in their respective mattresses, Dejun sleeping over like he usually does. They can subtly hear Xuxi snoring loudly in the other room and Dejun was humming to himself when he pulled the long box from his table. “Happy birthday,” he said quietly, pushing the box towards Dejun.

In just a few months, Dejun has become such a huge part of his life. Xuxi was still his best friend and the person who knows him longer and better, but there were certain things he felt when Dejun was around. It’s as if his entire life is tense, and when Dejun is near, everything calms, everything settles. It’s a different type of comfort with him. Dejun looked up from his phone. “Guanheng, you didn’t have to.” He simply smiled. He wanted to give him a gift, but he wasn’t about to say that like some cliche. 

He turned a lamp on while Dejun carefully tore the wrapping paper that he didn’t even wrap that nicely. There was a tiny gasp from him as soon as he recognized the Harry Potter logo. “Is this a wand?”

The look on Dejun’s face and his excited smile completely made up for what he had to go through to obtain it. He originally wanted the limited edition one, but it was out of stock so he had to choose another design. “Which one is this?” Dejun’s voice was quiet but you could tell he was touched.

“It’s the Dumbledore one, I think.”

“ _The Elder Wand?_ ”

“Yeah, that’s it.”

“Oh my God,” Dejun opened the box quietly and stared at the white stick with circle thingies through them. Like cherries poked with a stick then painted white.

“Did I choose right?” He asked hesitantly. Sixty percent of this entire process was just choosing the right wand. Suddenly, Dejun sat up and knelt in front of him before pulling him into a tight hug. He chose right, then. 

“Thank you so much.” He whispered against his hair. “This must have cost a lot, I’m sorry.”

Guanheng hugged him back, his face flush against Dejun’s chest. “No, it didn’t. It’s fine.” Dejun let him go and sat back down but kept a hand on his nape, running small soothing gestures that relaxed Guanheng infinitely. “I did some research and read that it was supposed to be the most powerful wand. So I just thought, it would be nice for you. And I remember you saying you liked Dumbledore.”

“You did research?”

“Yeah.”

Dejun frowned deeply before pulling him forward and planting a small kiss right on his left temple. He drew in a sharp breath in surprise that the other noticed. He pulled back right away. “I’m sorry, was that not okay?”

“No, it’s fine,” he assured. And he was telling the truth. He was just surprised that he did it, but he didn’t dislike it, no, far from it. Dejun still looked nervous so he pat his cheek affectionately. “Don’t worry.”

Before long, it was his turn to be nervous for his own birthday. He always usually spent it alone since he shared Xuxi’s mom’s birthday so they usually celebrated his birthday the day before, and he spent the actual day alone, but this year, they’re going to dinner _with_ Xuxi the day before, Xuxi will then go home, while Dejun will stay the night to celebrate the entire day with him. He said he’ll never let Guanheng have another birthday alone ever. It made him smile.

Dejun was _very_ sentimental. He made sure to know every single significant date in their lives as well as the significance behind certain things. He made sure to celebrate certain days, made sure to remember things you liked and disliked and made efforts to understand why you felt that way and empathized deeply. He was very kind-hearted and passionate, and sometimes cried just by imagining the things Guanheng had to go through in his life when they talked about them. It was difficult for him to ignore stray animals, old people walking slowly, people without umbrellas—he was like a superhero. He had a radar for anyone who was having a difficult time and he’d come rushing over. It was wonderful to have him in your life.

Guanheng doesn’t have a lot of money because he’s dependent on his allowance from his sponsors and he usually saves them for rainy days, like hospitalizations and such, so he wanted simple dinner, maybe in their apartment, and they can cook stuff. But Xuxi, ever the spender, made them go to a fancy restaurant where he paid for everything. He didn’t like feeling like he was freeloading off Xuxi but his best friend assured him repeatedly that it was fine. 

“Temperatures are dropping and you’re just wearing a thin cardigan,” he points out Guanheng’s choice of clothing to him. “It’s gonna drop lower later tonight.”

“It’s fine,” he shrugged off just as the waiter got to their table. It wasn’t _super fancy_ that they had to wear ties, a lot of people were dressed casually, but it was obviously the kind of place only rich people frequented. They had a pleasant albeit short dinner because Xuxi’s dad had come to pick him up. 

“You two want a ride?”

“Nah,” Guanheng declined. “I need to drop by the convenience store next block, we’re running out of cocoa powder.” He shot a glare at Dejun who was the obvious culprit. Nobody drank that much hot chocolate before he became their friend. 

Xuxi was gone and the cocoa was in his bag, they once again did the thing they both liked doing so much together: walking home in the cold air. “We won’t be able to do this much soon.” Guanheng shivered. 

Dejun giggled, before pulling him forward by the arm, clutching onto it for warmth. “Maybe if you wore warmer clothes.” One of his arms wrapped around his shoulders and pulled him even closer, radiating body warmth as he rubbed his palms over his arms. “Why are you wearing this thin thing?” He pointed to the pink cardigan. “You could have worn the hoodie.”

“Too casual.” He shook his head.

“I should have bought you a coat,” Dejun mumbled to himself quite seriously. He knew that despite his repeated assurance, Dejun bought him a birthday gift anyway. 

“I have a coat,” he assured, guessing that the other is probably seriously considering his decisions. “I just didn’t wear them tonight, don’t worry.” He snaked an arm around the others’ waist, in an attempt to snuggle even closer while they walked. 

Physical affection was normal between him and Xuxi but it was less… frequent, than that with Dejun. They did hug when comforting or congratulating each other, they did put their arms on each other’s shoulders, but they didn’t sit on each other’s lap, they don’t touch faces, they don’t hug each other without reason, and they sure as hell don’t kiss each other, just like he and Dejun does. Their kisses were tame, though, nothing serious, just forehead, cheek, and once on the nose and nothing more, just affectionate friend stuff. 

Dejun was very soft and affectionate and he couldn’t really say no when he’s being cute. Besides, it wasn’t like he disliked it. Those actually made him feel nice. Maybe it’s just because he’s starved of affection his entire life and Dejun was just perfect for it. 

By the time they got to the apartment, they went to their usual routine first and changed into their pajamas before meeting at the balcony where Dejun was already waiting with a gift bag on his lap. “You didn't have to,” Guanheng murmured. Dejun gave a look that probably meant, _well I also told you that but you didn’t listen._

Similar to his gift, Dejun’s gift was in a rectangular box, although Dejun's was wrapped more neatly. “Mine didn’t even look as pretty as this one,” he grumbled as he ever so slowly peeled the tape off the wrapper. 

“You don’t need to open it so slowly, just tear it off!” _Chaotic. He’s chaotic in all the most subtle ways._ Finally, he pried the wrapper open, revealing the logo of an expensive brand of shoes. It wasn’t necessarily something that he needed but among all of his items of clothing, he had the least amount of shoes. He only had two. 

He opened the box which revealed plain white canvas shoes. 

“You once mentioned you’d like to draw on your own clothes but you couldn’t risk messing it up, and I noticed you liked designing shoes on your notebooks. So, I got you these.” Dejun gestured to the shoes. “You can do what you want with it. Draw or write whatever you want.”

He suddenly understood the tender expression on Dejun’s face when he gave him the wand. A material gift was one thing, someone’s attentiveness and interest with you is another level, but something wholeheartedly bought based on how attentive they are with you is a whole level of touching. “I can’t mess up something you bought for me!”

“You won’t mess it up!” Dejun giggled and pulled the shoes from the box before kneeling in front of him. “Let’s see if it fits.” He tapped Guanheng’s ankle while he had the shoes open and prepared.

“I feel like Cinderella.”

“Well, Cinderella, let’s see if the shoe fits and you’re my princess,” Xiaojun joked, giggling unknowing that Guangheng had flushed bright red. The shoe fit right in, and it was very comfortable. Dejun chose nicely. “Fits perfect.” Dejun stood back up, smiling proudly, mostly at himself, his two front teeth leading the gorgeous smile.

“You proud of yourself?” His voice came out softer than he intended, but it was fine, it came out not how he wanted to sound but it came out sounding exactly like how he felt. 

“Very.”

“You can draw some stuff on here, too,” he offered. It would be lovely if there were some signs of Dejun on them. It would remind him of what he felt right at that moment.

“Happy birthday, Heng.” If he’d felt fond before that, the nickname made him melt even more, and he could feel his nape heating up. “I love you.” A warm feeling spread across his chest and he suddenly felt like crying. A crushing realization dawned on him: no one had told him they loved him in his life. _Ever._ Dejun had been the first. His friend pulled him by the arm and wrapped his arms around him tightly in the warmest hugs he’s ever been given and he couldn’t help but tear up a little. He had no idea how he survived this long without Dejun in his life. It’s definitely a privilege he’s gonna have to treasure forever.

At that exact moment, he swore to himself, he’d always do his best to keep Dejun in his life.

He sniffed once and Dejun immediately noticed and hugged him tighter. “Oh no, please don’t cry. You’re gonna make _me_ cry.”

“I’m sorry, I just…” he sniffed again, and then decided to wipe his face dry through rubbing his face against Dejun’s shoulder.

“What the heck…” Dejun pulled away and glared at his teasing smile. “I hate you so much.”

“You already said you love me, no take backs.”

-

Late autumn was lit with fiery colors contrasted by the dropping temperatures. Xuxi and Guanheng were running around kicking leaves at each other, and if they wanted to be even more chaotic, they bunched up armfuls of leaves and dumped them over each other. Dejun watched them before he noticed a certain girl from their year, following closely. _Must be one of Xuxi’s admirers._ But the girl was stealing glances at him and although he didn’t want to voice it out loud, he was getting a little bit uncomfortable with the silent following. 

“Hi, can I help you?” he halted his steps so she could catch up. She was tiny, with short bobbed hair and had favorable features. His two friends stopped roughhousing just to get a sniff of whatever was happening.

“Hi, Dejun,” her voice was shy and small as she nervously played with her thumbs. She eventually took out an envelope from her skirt pocket before shoving it against him. “This is for you.”

Confused, he took the envelope and opened it. It was white with a red heart sticker and it was suddenly dawned on him and he glanced at the two nervously. “I think you’re really nice, and you’re smart, and you’re… uhh… you’re really cute. Can I see you again, maybe study with you this Saturday?”

Dejun couldn’t process the words that well. It was either he zoned out in the middle of it all from the nerves, or he’s just slow. For some reason, his first instinct was to look at Guanheng for permission. He wanted him to say no. He couldn’t explain it, he just wanted him to say no. To interrupt, to give him an excuse, to save him from this, anything. Instead, the other boy just nodded in encouragement. His heart dropped to his stomach, and the bright autumn day suddenly turned darker. 

“Uhh, Guanheng, we were supposed to study together?” He tried one last time. 

“I can study alone, it’s fine.” He shrugged and Dejun’s heart sank even further. He didn’t want to go out with this girl, he didn’t even know her name. But he couldn’t really reject her after she just heard that he didn’t necessarily have anyone to study with.

“What’s your name again?” He asked quietly, making her frown and making Xuxi snort. Guanheng hit him, though.

“It’s Yunqi,” she answered. “Can I have your number?”

He just stood there, not really knowing what to do. Deep inside, he was a child in tantrums, he just _didn’t want to._ But he can’t say no. He needs to learn how to say no. But maybe next time, he thought as he recited his number while she saved it into her phone. “See you!” She beamed at him before running away.

Maybe he needs some time to re-evaluate what went on with him today.

—

“What happened there?” Xuxi asked Guanheng over dinner. Dejun said his mother wanted to have dinner with him and headed home early so it was just the two of them for the first time in a while. 

“What happened where?”

“The thing with Dejun? Why did you let him go out with that girl?” Xuxi demanded firmly. He disliked it when his best friend took that tone. He used it when he wanted to make sure that Guanheng was going to take him seriously. 

“Frankly, Xuxi, I don’t think it’s my place to tell him what to do.” His voice was low and quiet, even though he didn’t really want to talk about it, it was Dejun they were talking about, and he wanted to answer as honestly as possible. He may have managed to lie to himself all this time, but he didn’t want to be dishonest to Xuxi—especially about Dejun. 

“But you like him!” He dropped his spoon, and sat up straight, attempting to look at him in the eyes. 

“Wherever did you get that idea?” Not a denial—but far from a confirmation. He kept on eating although he didn’t have the appetite anymore. He was in no place to waste food. 

“ _Please, Huang Guanheng._ We’ve been friends for the longest time, I know you more than anyone else. He’s not just a friend to you.”

 _He hated that cliche._ “There’s no _to me._ We’re just friends—that’s what we are. It doesn’t matter what I feel.” He stopped himself. He didn’t want to burst out things he’s never even admitted to himself. 

“ _It matters, Heng,_ ” Xuxi’s voice suddenly turned gentle, like it always does when he realizes Guanheng is baring himself to him. “ _It should matter._ ”

“Bottomline is, Xuxi, I can’t tell him what to do.”

“You did, you told him what to do. You nodded and made him go for it. What you feel matters to him, Heng, he looked at you for permission, and you told him what to do. What he feels should matter to you, too.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“He obviously wanted you to say no.”

“I can’t put meaning to his actions, Xuxi, I don’t want to assume things.”

“Even after you said yes, he said he was supposed to be out with you. He was waiting for you to give him the opportun— you know what? I’m not going to piece this out to you. You go to bed tonight, talk to yourself, work this out yourself.”

The thing is—he wasn’t sure if he was ready to do that. 

—

Dejun sat in front of this girl he barely knew and he didn’t really know what to do. They were quiet and awkward, and not the cute and giddy awkward like it initially was with Guanheng. She was peeking at him through her bangs—in another world he would have found her cute. But this wasn’t another world. 

Plus, she ordered for him, and she ordered coffee. She didn’t even think to ask him. However, he needed to be polite so he took small sips of the horrible liquid and forced it down. Fortunately, he was here to study, not to chat, so he made sure to focus on his book and politely answered her every time she asked him a question. 

He wondered if Guanheng was studying in their apartment or if he was at their usual cafe. No, he shouldn’t think of that right now, he encouraged him to do this, he wouldn’t have done that if he liked—no, he shouldn’t be thinking of that right now. He might start crying. 

At least he managed to finish an entire lesson and the entire day—now he’s gonna have to do what he’s been willing himself to do the entire day: he’s gonna have to reject her. “Yunqi…” he started, books already tucked safely in his bag, coffee only half finished. 

“It’s fine,” she interrupted. “I know. I think I kind of knew even before I asked you out. And the other day… it just confirmed things for me when you looked at him like that. But I’d already asked you, I couldn’t back away. I’m glad I get to spend the entire day with you, though. I hope you two the best of luck.”

Dejun sat there dumbfounded—she’d already left and he just sat there in silence. He hadn’t even had the chance to deny it. Not that there was anything to deny. She was right. 

—

Guanheng was quiet the entire day at school on Monday and wasn’t in class on Tuesday, he asked Xuxi and he said he got a call from the orphanage last week and since then had a lot on his mind and that he had to visit the orphanage, too, so he decided to leave him alone. Come Friday evening, however, Xuxi invited him again for a sleepover and he really wanted some time with Guanheng again so he said yes. 

He didn’t really change, no, he was still talkative and smiled a lot, but you could tell something was bothering him. After showering, Dejun caught up to Guanheng who had dragged a chair and was sitting, looking out the window when Dejun decided to walk over to him. “Are you alright?” He asked quietly. 

Guanheng looked up at him—a weird look came over his expression but it returned to normal as quickly as it came. “I am, thank you for asking. I never got around to asking, though, how was your date?”

Dejun frowned. He’d almost forgotten about that. “It didn’t work out, we’re not seeing each other.”

“Oh,” he frowned. “She just gave up?”

“Yeah. She felt it, too, I guess.” He turned, leaning against the windowsill. “That there was nothing there.”

Guanheng nodded. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out then.”

“There wasn’t really anything to work with in the first place, I didn’t even know her name.” Guanheng grinned, remembering the moment when Dejun asked her. She looked so affronted he thought she was going to take her confession back right then and there. What Dejun didn't say, however, was _why_ she knew Dejun had no feelings, and might never develop feelings for her. That she knew he’d already given his heart to someone else. 

Dejun studied him, and there was still that absent look in his face, almost as if he was thinking of something so far away—too far for Dejun to grasp. “You might not want to talk about what’s going with you right now,” he started, poking a thumb under Guanheng’s chin to make him tilt up towards him. “But I need to remind you that we’re here, Xuxi and me, and we will always be here for you.” 

For some reason, he started choking up. Suddenly, he realized how lonely he’d been with Guanheng’s distance the past few days, along with the frustration of not being able to do anything about what’s hurting him. “And if you need any help— _anything at all—_ wherever, whatever, in life and in death, you can always come to me for help.”

Guanheng scoffed, and for a second, it sparked a certain fire in Dejun, almost akin to anger but not quite. Disbelief, maybe. “I’m serious,” he insisted but Guanheng was looking away. He touched his cheek and made him look at him in the eyes. “Huang Guanheng—I’m serious. You have _no idea_ how much you mean to me. If I could take away your pain, I would, but I can’t. So would you at least let me be there for you?”

His face looked stoic but his welling tears betrayed him. Eventually he frowned, like a cute little baby if he might add, as hot, long-held tears fell one by one. “I don’t deserve you.” He gasped out quietly as he held onto Dejun’s shirt. 

He pulled the other towards him and held his held in his chest as a gesture of comfort before asking: “Do I make you happy?”

After a few sniffles, he answered. “Yes.”

“Then you deserve me, Guanheng. You deserve _everything_ that makes you happy.”

-

Guanheng didn’t tell Dejun what bothered him so much that week but he did visibly stick to Dejun for support after that. Sometimes he even feels guilty, he felt like he’d taken him away from Xuxi but he said he didn’t mind; said it was different, what Xuxi had with Guanheng and what Guanheng had with Dejun. Whatever it was, he had no idea. 

He’d become so good at reading Guanheng that he became an expert at where he hides when he’s upset. It wasn’t that difficult, he was like a cat, he liked dark, enclosed spaces so it was usually the closet, the cupboard, or under Xuxi’s bed when he wasn’t home. Dejun liked it when it was in the closet because he could join him and it always smelled like fabric softener. He then usually initiates comfort through linking their pinkies together and Guanheng eventually loosens up or encourages further contact. 

What visibly relaxed him are hugs—Dejun tried to ignore the memory of Xuxi telling him he likes hugs because the orphanage staff rarely used hugs as comfort and he rarely asks for comfort in the first place because he didn’t want to be a bother. Because he tried his best to consistently be the well-behaved kid. Because he wanted to be adopted. He tried not to think about that. It only tears him apart inside. 

Before he hugs him, especially when he sleeps beside him, he summons all the love he has for Guanheng and pours them into his hug. He tried to ignore how _that_ seems to lull him to sleep within minutes. It would just break his heart. 

Guanheng needs _so much_ love and yet he demands so little. It was his job to give it without being asked. 

—

Christmas was where it got tricky. There was _no way_ Xuxi’s parents would let him travel away from them during the holidays and it was also one of the very few days when Dejun’s dad was actually home so Guanheng was alone. Although they didn’t really celebrate the religious part of it, they did the gathering around part of it, especially since his father toured throughout the world whose clients were on break because of the season, it was one of his family’s only chances to do so. But he couldn’t bear the thought of Guanheng, alone in the apartment while they had dinner with their families. 

He thought about it all day and he couldn’t stop fidgeting, he could barely focus on anything. At around ten, he was sitting by their gate when his dad approached him. 

“Something’s bothering you, what is it?” He sat by the gate beside him. 

Dejun just sent a ‘ _have you had dinner?’_ to Guanheng before he looked at his father. “A friend is spending this day alone right now. I can’t stop thinking about it.”

His father considered it for a while. “Then why are you still here?”

Dejun looked at him in surprise. “Mom won’t let me.”

“So what, your mom’s asleep. And I can deal with her tomorrow. Take my car.” He smiled then ruffled his hair. “Just make sure to take it back unscathed, okay?”

Dejun nodded, right when another ping took his attention. _‘Haven’t yet. Considering delivery. Which place should be good?’_

“Dad, can I bring some food with me?”

—

He didn’t even press add to cart yet, why is there a knock on the door? Guanheng hesitated, not wanting to be murdered on Christmas Day. “Open up, it’s me.” Dejun rushed into the apartment, shivering as soon as he opened the door. 

“What took you so long? The hallway is freezing.”

“I thought you were a murderer.”

Dejun nodded, placing a bag of tupperware on the table. “Good thinking, good job.” Dejun walked in small steps and turned the thermostat higher before removing his coat. It wasn’t snowing but it was definitely cold enough to harden sidewalks. 

“How did you get here?”

“Dad’s car.” Dejun smiled before snuggling up to him for warmth. 

“Dejun you shouldn’t be driving, it’s dangerous.”

“Our place isn’t too far,” he reasoned, rubbing his cold palms all over Guanheng’s back. “Plus, I drove slowly!”

He huffed—he really wanted to give him a lecture on road safety but he was so close and smelled so good, he forgot what he was supposed to say. He hugged him back, catching a whiff of his cheek. 

“Your face smells good,” he commented, pulling back a little to press his nose against Dejun’s cheek. “What is it?”

“It’s a watermelon-scented face cream.” Dejun’s voice was quiet, his eyes closed while they swayed in place, forehead to forehead. 

“Doesn’t smell like watermelon. But it smells nice.” He felt Dejun’s cheek pull up in a smile under his nose. “Why are you here, Xiao Dejun?” He finally asked. 

“I was just thinking of you the entire day. I didn’t want you to be alone…” he sounded like he was going to say more so he kept quiet, waiting for him to continue. “And…” Guanheng held his breath—and kept on waiting. “I wanted to bring you food. Let’s heat it up, I’m sure it’s cold by now.” Dejun said that in one long exhale while he pried himself off the other, turned around and busied himself with the food. 

At least Dejun managed a few sentences. He couldn’t even say one. 

—

After a particularly exhausting day of preparing for the school Chinese New Year festival Yangyang and Xuxi went their own way as they planned to meet up with certain people while the other two had no interest in it whatsoever. Dejun and Guanheng walked in the direction of the apartment, as Dejun is—once again—sleeping over. Guanheng had both his hands in front of him, tucked and stable while he looked at his surroundings with wide eyes. Dejun wanted to ask him something but he didn’t exactly know what he wanted to ask. All he knew was that he felt like he should ask him something. 

For some reason—everything felt infinitely more intense in the past few weeks. He was already clingy but the desire to stay close to Guanheng bugged him even more and he felt like if he skirted around the topic for longer, he was going to lose his mind. Every time they were close he desperately wanted to close the distance and he could no longer count the amount of times one of them had pulled away. 

Did he want to ask if Guanheng liked him, too? But what if he was straight? What if he was just nice to everyone else and Dejun was no different from literally everyone else? What if he destroyed their friendship with that one question? _That last one. That last one haunted him the most._

“Speak out, Dejun,” he suddenly said, startling him.

“What do you mean?”

“You make that ‘hmm’ sound when you want to say something but you’re keeping it in. Speak,” although his words were blunt, his tone was extremely gentle. There was nothing hard-hitting with Guanheng. He was just soft and comfortable and lovely and he reminded him of white roses.

“Is it okay for you if I…” Here it comes. He felt like throwing up. Who knew it could be this nerve wracking? But Guanheng smiled at him and took his hand in his, boosting his almost nonexistent courage. “Is it okay if I liked you?”

“Of course, we’re friends. We all like each other.”

“No, I mean,” he stuttered. He looked over to see Guanheng smiling mischievously. “You... asshole.”

“Who? Me?” he widened his eyes and flashed the smile he knew Dejun was weak against. For a fraction of a second, he thought he saw a frown instead of a smile and Dejun’s nerves were all of a sudden— _back._

“You’re making this so difficult,” he hid his face in his hands when he felt the heat rise up from his neck. He didn’t feel like there were butterflies in his stomach. It felt like a whole zoo trapped in that thing. All of which he had to suppress whenever he looked at him. He made him feel like he’s in heaven and more. And one of the worst things he’s had to endure in his life is trying to bottle it all up.

“It’s fine if you don’t like me back, but please tell me if you’re uncomfortable with it, I can totally just...move on.” He didn’t know if he could at that point, but he could hide anything just to keep the friendship. “I mean, we’re still friends, right?” his tone sounded desperate.

“Of course,” his breath drops. Maybe he doesn’t really like him back. But at least, they were still friends. “But no,” he shook his head, and for the first time, looked conscious. “Uhh… I am, too… uhhh...I mean, I like you, too.” Dejun’s heart _soared,_ he’d never been more relieved and happy in his entire life. But the elation didn’t last long—there was a pained expression on Guanheng’s face that he couldn’t quite trace but it looked like he was going to cry. 

_Something was wrong._

“Hey, hey,” he rushed close to him, both palms soothing Guanheng’s shoulders in an instant. “What’s wrong?”

“I really like you,” he choked out. “I like you _so much_ I have no idea how to function without that knowledge.”

“Is that so bad?”

Guanheng made a pained exhale so deep you’d think he was in actual physical pain. He leaned forward and rested his forehead against Dejun’s shoulder, desperately trying to catch his breath although they’ve just been standing still. “I can’t, Dejun. I refuse to do it to you.”

“Do what?”

“I’m a _mess,_ Dejun. I’m alone, orphaned, poor— I have _nothing_ to give you.”

“I don’t need anything.”

“Dejun my issues run deep, I’ve never received love growing up how am I supposed to give it healthily? I haven’t even cultivated one for my own. You’re so bright and beautiful and gentle, and I’m just gonna pull you down with me.”

“No—”

“I’m just scraping to survive, Dejun, if the old couple who sponsors me, even just one of them dies, I will have nothing. I will go back to being an overgrown beggar in the orphanage. I’m not smart enough or talented enough to start on my own, I have no connections, absolutely nothing. One of these days my life will spiral down and I don’t want to drag you with me.”

“No, baby, listen—”

“Dejun, you’re absolutely beautiful. It wouldn’t be long before someone else comes along. It can’t be me. I only have my heart to give and it’s not much. You deserve so much more. You know I don’t like cliches, and I know you don’t like them either but it’s the truth. I’m sorry.”

Dejun doesn’t know how many times he’s going to be stunned to silence and immobility in his life, he thought while he watched Guanheng walk away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked that! please tell me if you’ve caught on any references, or if you have more comments and suggestions! as usual, you can also dm me  @choisoftcheol 
> 
> thank you for taking the time to read this! ❤️❤️


	3. Part Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please ignore the fact that there are some timeline inconsistencies, I didn't intend to make a prequel when I wrote Heaven and now that I actually wrote one, I realize that they would have been too young when they started dating if they were still both under 20 in Heaven. Just pretend they were both in their mid-20s in Heaven and this is in their very late teens.
> 
> Thank you!  
> Please enjoy!

Dejun spent some time calming down and thinking things through rationally. He didn't want to mess things up with Guanheng, so he didn't want to talk to him again without thinking about what to say. He had to consider his side fully. For Dejun, he's being ridiculous, but that's just his rejected brain is telling him. When he actually started to consider Guanheng's reasons, and when he started putting himself in his shoes, he kind of got where he was coming from, albeit he guesses it's quite much worse in Guanheng's brain because years of being alone and his life as an orphan must have given him certain insecurities Dejun couldn't even begin to imagine. This is all the product of his doubts, Dejun is sure of it, but he needed to find a way to reassure him without invalidating him.

He sat in his room for most of the night, and at around midnight, he started to get ready for bed, where he was sure that he was going to be even more restless. But he needed to try. At around one in the morning, his zoning out was interrupted by his phone vibrating on his nightstand. 

"Hello?" He grumbled, not even thinking to look at the caller ID.

"Dejun? Are you home?" It was Xuxi, and he still sounded quite awake even though it was nearing two in the morning. 

"Yeah, I am. Why?"

"Is Guanheng there with you?"

The question alone made his heart rate pick up, and his blood rushed to his head. "Isn't he home yet?"

There was silence in Xuxi's line when he slowly absorbed the information. "I thought he's with you, you left together, so I assumed he'd be there. I usually don't check up on him, but whenever he sleeps away, he tells me, but he hasn't said anything. I was going to sleep, but I couldn't sit still, I felt like I had to ask you."

"He isn't here Xuxi," Dejun whispered. He wasn't entirely paying attention, all he could think of are possible places where Guanheng would be at this time of the night. "Does he usually go back to the orphanage?"

"No," Xuxi groaned, and he could hear him moving around. "He hated it there."

Dejun got up and immediately grabbed for his sweater. "Have you tried calling him?"

"Yeah, but he's not answering."

It was freezing outside, but he didn't even think about change into pants and just walked out of their house in a hoodie, shorts, and shoes. "I'm out, my mom's keys are here I'm gonna drive around and try to look for places where he could be."

"I'll keep trying," he heard Xuxi's car door shut, and the ambient noises immediately disappeared. "I'll call you when I get hold of him."

Blood was rushing in Dejun's ears, and he could barely hear anything. He was panicking, he knew it, and he shouldn't be driving until he's calmed down, but he couldn't waste any more time. He had no idea where Guanheng was at one o'clock in the morning in the cold. He knew most of his hiding places, but those were mostly the places he liked _within_ the apartment. Places that Xuxi wouldn't know to look.

He parked by a convenience store and tried calling Xuxi, but his number was busy, probably still trying to call Guanheng. He eventually decided to turn the car back around and drive to their apartment. Instead of taking the slow elevator, he ran up the stairs up to their floor and punched in the password that Xuxi taught him at his fifth sleepover with them. "Heng?" He immediately called out. His shoes weren't on the front door, but he went deep into the house anyway and into Guanheng's room.

"Heng?" He called out, but one answered. There was no sign of him arriving home. The lights were off, his bag and the pink hoodie we wore earlier was nowhere in sight, the balcony door was locked, and the curtains were all shut. It was totally dark. 

He eventually stood by the huge dresser he'd found Guanheng in once. He pressed an ear against the door, and although he couldn't hear anything from the other side, he decided to open it anyway. He was right there, curled up in a tiny ball, hugging his knees still in his outside clothes, asleep.

He sighed in relief and stopped to send Xuxi a text that he found Guanheng safe before stepping into the closet himself. The mere action made the sleeping boy stir, and he closed the door back shut while he curled himself up to fit himself into the vacant space left. "Jun?"

"Hi," he whispered.

"Why are you here? What time is it?" he glanced at his watch, which displayed 2:04 AM. "It's two in the morning. Why are you here?"

"Xuxi thought you'd gone missing. He probably didn't know he could find you in here, and I didn't think he could check here, we were both panicking."

"Where's Xuxi?"

"He's still out looking for you, but I've texted him, don't worry."

Guanheng groaned. "Well, now I've inconvenienced you both."

"No," Dejun reached out to him. "No. Xuxi was worried, I was worried. If you were in our place, you would have done the same. It's not an inconvenience." He studied Guanheng curled form. He was pale, and his hair was in disarray, the length of his wavy hair making it more entangled-looking. "Heng…" Dejun started; he didn't exactly know what to do. A few hours ago, they'd been together, and Guanheng had just rejected him. "What's going on? I have a feeling this isn't just what you're telling us. I'm not going to force you, but you do know that you can tell me, right? And Xuxi, too."

"I know." He nodded grimly.

"You know Heng…" he reached over carefully, trying to break the barrier between them. He needed Guanheng to know that he was going to be right there for him, and none of his fear scared Dejun. He took an index finger between his own index and thumb just for the smallest bit of comfort, not just for Guanheng but for him, too. "When I told you I like you, I didn't mean simply in a surface kind of way, not just in an _I want to date you_ kind of way. Well, that's part of it, but I mostly meant that I'm with you. I'm here for the long haul."

"We're in high school," he croaked just to joke. 

"I don't care," Dejun bit back just as playfully. His wide smile faded into a softer one as they settled back into a more comfortable silence. "Whether we stay friends or not, I'm here. We all have things we're terrified of, and I can't tell you not to be because your feelings are your own. But if you just need someone you can squeeze to death while you face it, I'm here. Xuxi is, too. We won't judge you. We won't leave you no matter how hard it gets. And we know you'll do the same for us."

Guanheng groaned, pretending to complain and grumble, but he was tearing up. "Why do you say things like that."

"Because it's true," Dejun answered right away without missing a beat. "We're your family, and we take that label to heart."

He let Guanheng be silent for a while before he felt a tug against his thumb, and before long, their fingers were interlaced together. It wasn't tight, it was even almost barely there, but he could feel his hand tremble.

"Two weeks ago," he started, and Dejun held his breath. "I got a call from the orphanage. When I was there, they told me someone had been trying to look for me." His eyes looked like they're far away as if he's trying to detach himself from what he was saying, but as he talked, his hold on Dejun's hand became tighter. "All this time I thought no one had been looking for me because my parents are dead. It's the one narrative I kept encouraging myself with so I could go on. That I am not unwanted, that an unfortunate incident forced me into the orphanage, that I'd been passed from family to family, abused, and starved because my parents had no choice. But then it was an aunt, saying that her sister, at her deathbed, admitted to her that she had twins instead of wanting just one."

Dejun gasped. Somewhere in the world right now, Guanheng had a sibling who probably looks just like him. 

"So she threw away the sickly one before moving out of the country and kept the healthier one."

"Oh no…"

"And now my aunt is looking for me, probably looking to appease her conscience," he sighed. "It's a blow, to be honest. The thought that right at birth, no one wanted you except for an establishment that needed you for government aid. You start to question if anyone will ever want you, or if anyone does." It seemed like Guanheng felt the rebuttal Dejun was about to say because he turned to him immediately. He nodded. "I'm still unsure if you will continue to do so, but I hope you will."

Tears filled Dejun's eyes. His heart broke for Guanheng. He looked like he had no strength left. If you think about it, the promise is hard to keep. They've known each other for less than a year, and staying beside someone for the rest of their lives is a serious commitment. Deep down, he knows that Guanheng is a permanent fixture in his life, and he will never go away, and he will not let him do so. "I will," he knelt up to reach over and wrap Guanheng's head in his arms, cradling his head against his chest. "I promise I will."

-

It took Guanheng a few days before he went back to school, while he and Xuxi made endless excuses for him and took notes for him. When he was back, it was like nothing happened, and he caught on to his lessons quickly. Well, he didn't have to catch on to anything since Dejun made sure to go over his lessons with him as soon as classes finished, and he ran over to their apartment. 

Xuxi arrived quietly that night and figured that they'd been talking privately, left them alone, and texted Dejun that he'd be going to sleep and would speak to Guanheng separately the next day. They both did their best to make sure that their friend wouldn't feel any differently, and it was so much more comfortable with all activities with the school festival still going on despite some of the classes continuing during the mornings. After their last morning period, the school immediately bustles with energy and they fill it with games and some quieter moments far away from the booths and back under the trees by the soccer field just to throw peanuts at each other and drink soda while they took turns with the guitar. Mostly it was Dejun while Guanheng and Xuxi sang on top of their lungs. Sometimes Yangyang joined them, but he was actively participating in his class' booth, so it was just the three of them. 

By Friday night when Dejun was going to sleep over again, the two of them had been watching TV, the same trash cartoon that Xuxi and Dejun liked to binge watch when Xuxi texted that his dad picked him up from school and took his home to celebrate another one of his younger brothers' milestones. Xuxi sounded exasperated, so Guanheng didn't press any further and made him look forward to the mini-concert at their school the next day to celebrate the closing of their founding week and festival, which seemed to work.

They were in their pajamas, comfortable after showering and having more than their share of food since Xuxi didn't have to eat his. Bellies full and the light set down low, Dejun started slowly getting tired, leaning lazily against the back of the couch while Guanheng flipped the channels. "Do you want some ice cream?" Guanheng asked just as he settled on some random crime show. "We have some in the fridge."

Tired, Dejun rolled his head over to the side. "If you'll get them for me, so I don't have to stand, then yes."

Guanheng smiled fondly, pausing momentarily to study the mess that is Dejun's hair as well as his slow blinks and his tired smile. After he confessed, there was palpable tension between them, but it was also evident that Dejun had been holding back to respect his space. "You don't wanna stand?"

"Not. At. All." He enunciated every single syllable, complete with a wide smile at the end. Guanheng had every urge to lean in, but Dejun seemed too comfortable in his position, and he didn't want to move him. 

When he came back with two bowls of ice cream, he thought Dejun had already fallen asleep since his eyes were closed, but he was still drumming his fingers to a beat Guanheng can't hear, so apparently, he was still awake. "Ice cream is here, Your Highness."

Dejun perked up and beamed at him, taking the bowl excitedly. Guanheng managed to sit even closer enough that their knees were touching. He kept his eyes trained on the TV, with a murder victim splayed on the floor quite grotesquely. 

"Did you hear from Yangyang?" Their younger friend recently had to move with his family to Germany, and he had invited the three of them for his going away party.

"Xuxi did, I think," he answered tiredly.

Dejun finished eating first before relaxing back against the couch. Guanheng put his bowl down and looked back at him, but Dejun was already staring. 

"What?" He demanded. 

Dejun suppressed a smile. "Nothing."

He looked really pretty like that—warm, relaxed, happy. Slowly, Guanheng took Dejun's hand in his, intertwining them before bringing up his knuckles to his lips, pressing one firm kiss against the warm skin. He detached his knuckles from his lips but let it rest against his face. Guanheng closed his eyes and simply reveled in the feeling of Dejun's skin against his. He didn't know how long he did that before Dejun straightened an index finger to poke him. 

"Are you okay?" Even his voice sent warmth through his insides. 

"I am," he sighed. "Sorry." He hesitantly let Dejun's hand go, but the other boy didn't retract his hand. Instead, he cupped his jaw and soothed his skin with his thumb. 

They just sat there in silence while Dejun hummed a soft tune. Eventually, he cleared his throat. "Guanheng?"

"Hmm?" He finally opened his eyes to look at him. He was blinking slowly at him as if he was _so_ close to falling asleep. "Are you sleepy?"

"A little," he answered in the smallest voice. He seemed to contemplate something before blinking quickly. "Heng? Do you still feel the same?"

He frowned at the question. He knew what Dejun was referring to, but what confused him was the fact that the other boy had been doubtful. "Do you mean about you or us?"

Dejun's expressive eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "There's a difference?"

"Well," he cleared his throat, unsure about how to go on. But he decided to try his best anyway. Dejun will understand. "When we talked back then, I told you I liked you, but I don't want to be… well, I didn't want us to start dating."

"About me, then." Dejun sat a little straighter. Dejun had always been very shy, and now that he's using a lot of courage to ask, it shows on his face and skin as he grew more and more flushed the more Guanheng stared at him.

"Nothing changed," the other clarified right away. "You still do that thing to me."

"What thing?"

Guanheng suppressed a shy smile, and he could feel the heat at the back of his neck. Is he having a stroke? He does _not_ know what that feels like, but he imagined it would be like that. He couldn't believe Dejun is making him verbalize all of this. "Like there's a parade of elephants stomping on my chest whenever I know you're there. I don't have to see you; I don't have to hear you. I just need to know you're there, and my heart goes berserk. It's stressful," upon saying the last line; he stared at Dejun pointedly like it was entirely his fault that he's stressed. Well, technically, he is. "And there's like a constant screaming at the back of my brain, screaming at me to stand closer, to touch you, to just… _be_ with you. I think I'm starting to lose it."

Dejun smiled and hummed thoughtfully. "You know what I learned?" he snakes a hand further to touch Guanheng's nape and left tiny soothing touches against his skin. "To calm the screaming, you should listen to it sometimes."

Guanheng turned fully toward him, smiling. "Really?"

"Yes, really."

He felt the slightest of tugs, pulling him down towards him before he voluntarily met him halfway, but right when they were almost touching, Guanheng paused over him and brought a hand up to push his hair up, just to get a good look at him. His chest was already full, but he felt it expand even more with Dejun looking up at him like that. He was feeling _so much._

_Fuck, he likes him too much._

"What?" Dejun stared up at him, looking alternately between his eyes and lips.

"You're pretty," he frowned deeply. "Something has changed, though." Since he was staring so closely at him, he immediately spotted the immediate panic in Dejun's eyes. "After we've talked, I took my time to think about it."

Dejun was visibly nervous, blinking quickly and gulping quite loudly.

"I've changed my mind about us."

"You mean…?"

"Yeah," he nodded earnestly. Every part of him seemed to light up when it slowly dawned on him how disgustingly fond Dejun was looking at him. He catches himself staring at Dejun the same way, for no reason usually, sometimes just because Dejun is absolutely breathtaking, inside and out, and his inner beauty seemed to give his outer beauty a dazzling sort of shine, and he is just _beautiful. "_ I want to stay with you as much as you want to stay with me." He finally said all in one exhale for fear of saying the wrong thing if he paused. "I will stop being scared… for you."

"No," Dejun shook his hand, moving his hand from Guanheng's nape to his cheek. "Don't prevent yourself from doing—feeling anything. We'll work to have a life that we don't have to think about what we're afraid of; we'll work on contentment, together, okay?" With the way we clasped his cheeks and the intensity in his eyes, it almost seemed like he was convincing the both of them rather than just Guanheng.

It's when he says things like that—thoughtful, caring, things that he's sure aren't exclusive to him but is something Dejun just open heartedly gives out to everyone is what he noticed about him in the first place. He groaned, leaning forward to press their foreheads together. "I really want to kiss you." He whispered. Eyes closed; he could feel Dejun breathing against his cheek. "Can I kiss you?"

"Yes." Dejun breathed. "Yes, please."

It was a short distance between their lips; he only had to lean in a little to press them together, and when he did, Dejun was already smiling. He couldn't imagine his heart expanding even more if this goes on, he's afraid that it might explode and he'll die on top of Dejun. Which probably won't be too bad now that he thinks about it.

His lips were warm and soft, and it tasted like ice cream. It was simple and slow—relaxed. They weren't in any rush. Yes, he waited quite a while for this, we wanted the moment to be absolutely perfect, so he wasn't going to disrespect his months' worth of waiting just to tarnish it with a hungry and inelegant show. He wanted it to be perfect. He wanted Dejun to know how much he respected him and how serious he felt about him.

At one particularly resounding smack, they both start giggling against each other's' mouths, still while giving each other small but quick and affectionate pecks. "So… uhh… boyfriend?" he almost choked, not entirely ready to say it then but he felt like it was as good a time as any. "Can I?"

Dejun started laughing, a bright, sweet sound that makes him unbelievably pleased. "Sure, Yoda."

—

If he did sleepovers very often when they were still friends, dating meant Dejun started practically living with them. It wasn't like his mother wouldn't mind if he would just move in with them especially since the apartment was so much nearer to school. They could save a lot on gas if he only lived with them, but Dejun thought it was much too early in the relationship to make a decision that major.

They're enjoying their time, though. Xuxi, with the observation skills that he had, _immediately_ figured out what was going on. They were just eating breakfast when he arrived the next day, and barely even had the chance to completely enter the apartment before saying "you got together." The look on their faces was enough of a confirmation for him. "I can't believe I wasn't here for it."

"We wouldn't have done anything but sit in silence if you were here." Guanheng pointed out.

"Fair point."

He was in a better mood in the following days, however, because he passed the law admissions at the country's best law school, and his parents finally turned their attention to him rather than completely ignoring him for his brother.

He even started dating someone. And by someone, they have no idea who. They don't even know what the gender is, all they know is that he's dating… _someone._ And the person exists. This made Xuxi even more absent when he starts sleeping over somewhere else and spending weekends or afternoons, or dinners with someone he wasn't introducing them to.

One afternoon, they were lounging in Guanheng's room together, it was raining hard outside, and Xuxi just told them he wouldn't be able to join them for dinner because he was sleeping over with his… significant other. They couldn't order out because they didn't want to make someone cross the storm just to get to them and neither of them had the energy to cook, so they just decided to lay in bed side by side, scrolling on their phones and listening to music while they waited for the rain to stop.

"It's so cozy like this, but I'm so hungry," Guanheng groaned and cuddled even closer to Dejun, sniffing his shirt in the process. "You smell nice."

"Thank you," he could hear the smile on Dejun's voice. "It's the fabric conditioner."

"I don't think so," Guanheng muttered against his chest while Dejun wrapped his arms around him, hugging his head. The pose had become a norm for them without having to agree on it. "Even when you don't have clothes, you still kinda smell like this."

Dejun hit him lightly on the back, giggling.

They stayed like that for a while—a quiet ambient song playing in the background while rain poured outside. Dejun was warm and soft, and everything smelled like fabric conditioner. He'd never been more comfortable in his life.

"Heng?" Dejun curled forward a little, pressing his face against the top of his head.

"Yeah?" he said in a small voice, attempting to be cute just for his boyfriend.

" _I love you_."

Guanheng paused. Dejun said those words to him before, but all of them were said from one friend to another. This was the first time either of them said it while they were dating—it obviously meant something entirely different. Guanheng thought those words would ever be said to him in this lifetime—and to feel that it was true, too.

He's felt the same for quite some time. When he looks at Dejun, and he couldn't seem to control his breathing when he tries to embrace what he felt, or when he talked too enthusiastically about something he liked, and he couldn't help but feel happy all over, just because Dejun was. There seemed to be no other way to express what he felt other than it. "I love you, too." He stretched and looked upward just to pout and look at Dejun.

"I really love you," Dejun whispered again before kissing him on the lips, pressing even more insistently.

"Really love you, too," he managed to say while Dejun was pushing him back against the mattress, clasping his face with both hands.

He couldn't think if he could ever be happier in his life.

—

He was waiting inside the car nervously while Dejun talked to his parents about having him over. Dejun suggested that they should just go right in together, but Guanheng wasn't willing to enter someone else's home without full invitation. 

He remembered the day, around two months ago when Dejun invited him over. 

"My dad wants to meet you," he said. 

Guanheng sputtered and coughed his drink when Dejun sprung it up on him. "W-what?!"

Dejun rolled his eyes, reaching over to wipe off some sauce that was on the side of his lips. "You heard me," his voice was gentle, still amused with his boyfriend's reaction. They've been dating for quite a while, and Dejun thought it was time. He's been talking to his dad about Guanheng, and his dad introduced the idea months ago, he was just looking for the best time to do it. 

"Your dad does?"

"Yeah," he kept on munching on his bread. "He's gonna be home in a few months; he wants to meet you."

Guanheng considered it for a while before asking. "He's okay with…?" He didn't need to finish for Dejun to get the question. Is he _okay with me being a boy?_

"He doesn't mind," Dejun reached over to press a kiss on his forehead. 

Despite Dejun's assurances, Guanheng remained nervous. He thought he would never stop being worried about it. Except he did—only to be replaced by panic and concern when he heard a pretty loud slam of the door with an infuriated Dejun rushing out of their house, his face flush with anger. It wasn't difficult to put two and two together, but he decided to ignore the creeping thought of rejection in exchange for comforting Dejun. 

He rushed to the driver's side just as his dad came running after them. "Dejun! Xiao Dejun, wait!"

But Guanheng knew Dejun. He rarely saw him _this_ angry, but in the few times that he did, he knew that he wouldn't want to see them for a while. He immediately drove off, surprising Guanheng. Their neighborhood was quiet, but it wasn't safe to drive while he was seething. 

"Dejun, let's park for a while," he said as calmly as he could. He didn't want to come off negatively. But it seemed like Dejun couldn't hear him. He decided to try again. "Babe, I'm in the passenger's seat, do you want me to die?" What he didn't expect was for Dejun to stop abruptly, tires screeching. "I would have said _gently,_ but this works, too," he chuckled, trying to appease Dejun. "Deep breaths, baby." He inhaled deeply, urging Dejun to follow after him. His boyfriend usually does this to him whenever he has panic attacks, and he's just imitating what he often does. "Focus on my voice," he said as lovingly as possible. "Exhale."

They did it a few more times until Dejun's expression inevitably softened. "Feeling better?"

Dejun nodded, smiling meekly before exhaling once more. "I'm so sorry, Heng, I should have checked with my mom first."

 _Ah, so it's the mom. "It's_ fine, don't worry," he reached over to run his palm across his back in a gesture of comfort. "That's why I told you to talk to them before letting me in. Imagine the chaos if we'd gone in together right away." He tried to keep it as relaxed as possible, but Dejun was frowning at him. 

"I hate it, Heng, I thought my family could be like a bigger, more structured family for you. I thought they wanted it, too. I _hate_ seeing people reject you without even getting to know you." It struck a chord in him but not as intensely as it did before. Rejection was almost always the first expectation for him, so this wasn't wholly a surprise. It sucks, it still does, but it wasn't like he needed more. 

"You're my family, and Xuxi, too," he reminded him. "Jun, I don't need a birth family who doesn't want me, nor do I need someone else's. Just you and Xuxi—that's it. Xuxi loves me; I love him. I love you…"

"I love you, too." Dejun completed. 

"Then that's all I need," he said firmly, with finality, and he wholeheartedly believes that. "Just the two of you. My life is worth living because you two made it so, and I will continue to live it as gratitude for everything you two have done for me."

"But…"

"There are no buts, Jun. Are you going to be here for me?"

"Yes." He answered without missing a beat. 

"Then I'm set for life." The conviction in his voice seemed to have convinced Dejun. 

"I'm sorry," his boyfriend eventually slumped over to rest a forehead against his arm, and he immediately softened. 

"What for, dumbass?" He grinned at him teasingly as he tilted his head to look at him. 

"For ruining your day."

"My day's not ruined," he convinced him. "You made out with me as soon as we woke up, that was a good start." He joked. "Plus, it’s was your birthday, we're gonna see Xuxi's exam results, and there's still time for dinner. Let's all go grab a really good one."

Dejun tilted his chin up and rested his chin on his shoulder, looking up and pouting. He just stared at him for quite a while. "You look really cute," he smiled fondly. "You're wearing the shirt I got you. Is this the first time you're wearing it?" It was a white shirt with a small, virtually useless pocket with a little heart in the middle of it. 

Guanheng nodded. "It's very comfy, thank you." He leaned forward to press a tiny kiss on Dejun's lips, sighing a little before pointing to the windshield in front of them. "We better get going though, it's getting darker, and it's starting to rain."

"Okay," Dejun smiled. "One last kiss, though." Guanheng smiled as his boyfriend pulled him in for one last kiss, pressing firmly, before adding three more small pecks. 

One long, firm kiss then three small pecks. That's their personal way of saying _I love you._ Guanheng knew, no idea of any other family would ever trump the one he has now. Just the idea of the three of them on the couch, throwing peanuts and catching them with their mouths as a form of a contest, the three of them watching trash TV, being an absolute idiot with Xuxi, and spending all the time that he can with Dejun—those are enough. Those are what makes him immensely happy, and it was safe to say that despite what happened just a few minutes ago, just the thought of his two best friends, that he has never been happier and more content in his entire life. 

  
  


—

Dejun sat at his balcony, enduring the biting winter breeze. The translucent figure across him looked unaffected, though. Of course, he wouldn't be, he's a ghost. Dejun sighed, unsubtly staring at the darkened image of blood on the ghost's chest, widening to a brighter red stain that runs down his white shirt. There could have been a logo underneath that, but it's been completely eliminated. What the fuck happened there?

Ghost-boy suddenly turned to him, surprising him. " _Fuck, don't do that!"_ He clutched his chest, trying to calm his nerves. But if anything, he was more embarrassed that he'd been staring. He just didn't know how to get around this mystery. Why the fuck does this boy have absolutely no connections?

"You're staring," Ghost-boy stated. He wasn't judging or anything, probably just prompting him to speak out whatever he was thinking about.

"What do you think happened? I know you can't remember…" he stopped before ghost-boy could even remind him. "But what do you think it was? How do you wish it was?"

"Well, first of all, I hope I died right away because," he looked down at the darkened portion of his chest, which he was informed was actually a hole. "Whew, this would have been brutal if I got to _feel_ this."

Dejun agreed. But judging by the injury, he most probably did die right away.

"And now that I think of it, I hope I was happy before it happened. I hope I was content when it did. I hope I didn't leave someone behind." He added quietly. Dejun's suddenly felt nostalgic; for what, he didn't know. He wanted to cry, probably in empathy. "And if I did, it would probably be better if they just forget about me." A pause. "Maybe we should just stop looking for my family or friends?"

"No," Dejun blurted out before he could even think about it. "If you left someone behind, I'm sure they miss you."

"How would you know that?" he asked weakly.

"I just know," there's a gut feeling, and whenever he does his work, he always follows his gut feeling. "If you left someone behind, they love you, and they miss you. And I'm sure you love and miss them, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this has successfully tied in the entire story for you. I hope you enjoyed reading this and thank you for taking the time to do so!
> 
> I would love to read your comments so if you have the spare chance, please leave one. Thank you!


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